Ohhhh….ya know…

Well, this is me starting a blog.  I know, I know…I’m like 7 years late to the blog party.  My wife has been telling me to start a blog for years.  But I pretty much never listen to her.  I have to apologize in advance for how long and annoying this first post is going to be.  I know it will be all over the place.  It will totally make me seem like I don’t have my shit together.  But, if you know me in real life you know that I most DEF have my shit together.  I pretty much dance on that very fine line that separates “normal” people from “ocd” people.  They won’t all be like this.  But I feel like I have to explain why I’m doing this.  And I definitely need to talk about all the reasons why I didn’t want to.  Shit could get deep.  And personal.  I might even talk about YOU.  So if you don’t want to know shit about my life…or if you are gonna be a judgey judgerson (YOU know who YOU are)…move along.  Or don’t.

THIS started out as a way for me to hold myself accountable in regards to fitness/diet/etc.  I’m starting a journey (hahaha..that DOES sound as cheesy as it did in my head).  But for real though…I AM starting a journey.  I have goals in mind but I don’t think I’m ready to share those yet.  My original plan was to check in daily for the entire month of April.  Ya know, talk about my workouts, meal prep, etc.  And I might do that.  But I also might write about being a stay at home mom/wife.  I might talk about how I make my own cleaning products.  I might talk about DIY shit.  The world is my mother f’n oyster.

I stalk #fitmoms on instagram.  It’s totally motivational for me.  But it is also what had me NOT wanting to write a blog about all this.  A lot of the moms will post transformation pics.  And a lot of them were being accused of fat shaming.  Um, what?  I don’t like any kind of shaming.  Slut shaming, fat shaming, woman shaming….its all gross.  I would never want people to think that I was fat shaming.  Here’s the deal…do I think a person can be healthy at any size?  Sure.  Do I think people can be beautiful at any size?  You bet!  But I know from experience that I personally feel better when I’m eating well, and busting ass at the gym.   And for me eating well and busting my ass at the gym means I become a smaller person.   It’s just the way it is.  I want to be fit.  I want to be fit because I feel better when I’m fit.  I lift weights because it makes me feel strong as hell.  I want to feel strong as hell so I can keep up with my 3 year old at the playground.  There are a lot of things I love about myself…things that I’m good at…good qualities…regardless of my size.  I like the color of my eyes.  I rarely have bad hair days (don’t hate).  I love knowing that I carried my daughter INSIDE of my body.  I have pretty good eyebrows despite an unfortunate waxing experience in San Francisco.  I am kind.  I’m a good friend.  I hear my daughter say “I love you so much, mommy” multiple times a day.  I respect my mom (both of my moms).  My wife thinks I’m the sexiest person on the planet (and she has thought that since the day she met me).  I make good coffee.  I’m super organized.  I mean…the list is endless.  Obviously.  😉

This really isn’t about weight loss for me.  In fact, I will never post my weight here.  I don’t care about the number on the scale.  And if I don’t care about it, then you definitely shouldn’t care about it.  I will say that in terms of weight I guess I’ve always been in the “average” category.  I was super active as a kid and teenager.  My mom had me in all kinds of activities.  I was a dancer from the age of 3 to 16.  Although I didn’t have a ballerina type body.  I’ve always had more of a “fly girl” body.  For those of you that don’t get the “fly girl” reference (hello!? J-Lo!)…basically it means that my booty be bangin’.  I know some people like to compare themselves to others.  I do it too.  I see a woman on instagram, or pinterest and I’m all like….wonder how tall she is?  Is she big boned or petite like me?  So before people ask…I am 5’4″ (at least I am on my Drivers License), and at the moment I wear a size 10 jeans (sometimes a 12 if it’s a brand that thinks women should have like no ass!), and I usually wear a medium top.  Although shirts drive me bat shit because what I lack in shoulders I make up for in boobs.

Speaking of boobs.  I used to be really confident with my body.  Years ago when I went to visit friends in Ptown I ran out of money before my vacation was over.   I wasn’t sure how I was going to get back to PA actually.  Gas ain’t free.  They were having a black bra contest at the pied.  I told everyone not to worry.  That I was going to enter the contest and I would win and it would be fine.  I did win.  Suzanne Westenhoffer was the judge.  I think I won like $200 bucks.  What’s interesting about that is that I didn’t have what I would consider my ideal body.  But damn was I confident.  Somewhere along the way I lost that confidence.  Pregnancy was really difficult for me so I would guess that was the start of it.  I only gained 27lbs during pregnancy.  But the changes in my body were extremely difficult for me to handle.  I want to feel confident with my body again.  Not so that I can win another black bra contest (I’m totally too old for that shit)…but so that I can feel and be strong.  But I DO want to look good.  And sometimes I don’t want to say that because I know some people think that sounds so unfeminist or whatever.  I’m not saying that thin is in.  Or that EVERYONE thinks that a perfect body is a fit body.  This is totally personal.  Some people think they look best when they have pink hair.  Some people prefer to be tan year round.   Some people only wear black.  I want to be fit.  I want to look fit.

The past two years have been really difficult.  For me.  For my marriage.  Just freakin’ difficult in every way possible.  We’ve spent over $30, ooo to try to have another baby (we started trying when Finn was 1 and she just turned 3 in November).  We’ve gone though countless IUI cycles and two failed IVF cycles.  You can google those abbreviations if you have to…this isn’t THAT kinda blog.  Infertility does a number on a marriage.  It almost destroyed our marriage to tell you the truth.  We had a brief separation. Some of you probably didn’t know that.  It wasn’t your business then and it isn’t your business now.  But it is worth mentioning because it’s the truth and it is reality.  The want/need to have children is so intense.  And when it doesn’t or can’t happen easily and/or naturally…you will give up every part of yourself to try to make it happen.  It got to the point where Monica and I were just existing under the same roof.  I felt like a failure (I still do…I’m working on it!).  Monica didn’t know what to say so she just didn’t say anything.  DAYS would go by and I would barely hear her voice because that’s how little she spoke to me.  We weren’t taking care of ourselves OR each other.  I bring all this up because I don’t ever want us to get to that point again.  I have to make taking care of myself a priority.  Because I can’t be a kick ass wife and mommy if I’m just existing.  And taking care of myself goes way beyond just getting fit.  It means going to the chiropractor more than once a year.  It means going to a coffee shop by myself and reading a book.  It means taking my daughter to sweet frog for a mommy and me date.  It means asking my wife for help with making the bed even though she doesn’t do it right.  It means going to lunch with my mom.  It means working on the friendships that are worth it.  Self care IS pretty simple when you keep up with it.

Whew, I’m exhausted.  How bout you?  Listen, most of you will probably find the shit I write about pretty boring.  Even though I think it’s pretty clear that I am HILARIOUS!  And I think we all know that you are DYING to know more about my life.  I did mention that I might post about homemade cleaners and stuff.  So I mean…it could get craaaaaaazy up in this bitch!  Stay tuned!

– C

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18 thoughts on “Ohhhh….ya know…

  1. Thank you for being so open and honest. Secondary infertility is putting a strain on our life too. How do you stay motivated? I have ZERO willpower.

    • Honestly, I have to force myself to stay motivated most days. I’m just going to keep forcing it until it comes naturally. I used to keep my eye on the prize and push on through. But I always thought that prize would be another baby. I really have to see myself as the prize at this point. HA.

  2. Your honesty and openness warmed my heart, and made me tear up a little at the same time. Almost 9 years of infertility almost broke our marriage too. It’s a drain like no other, and until you’ve experienced it, there’s nothing that can compare. My extreme stubbornness most certainly helped me power through, but honestly, I’m still not sure how we made it. I’m just thankful to the powers that be, that we did. Hugs, Carrie…. Miracles can and DO still happen. Oh, and kudos for starting your blog. 🙂

  3. Love your positive outlook and kick a$$ attitude!! You are an inspiration to us all! Looking forward to the next post. 🙂

    • Julie!!! We love you and miss you too! Sometimes I want to apologize to our friends because we didn’t really reach out to anyone when we were going through all those tough times. I’m usually pretty good at asking for help, guidance, etc. But then I realize that I can’t apologize for it because we did what we had to do at the time. Our therapists sure did get an earful though. 😉 I sure do appreciate your friendship though. Moni and I both know that you’re one of those people that will be there till the end. I hope you feel the same way. XO

      • The nice thing about our friendship, no need for apologies!! Just glad you are getting help to work through all you have going in your lives. I never knew exactly the right words to say when you were going through infertility, but know I was thinking and praying for you.

        Just for the record, I’m not going anywhere…I’m here for the duration!! xoxo

  4. Hey C, It’s C. 🙂
    It was refreshing to read the beginning of your new endeavor. I have to say I was crying about halfway through the first entry. I didn’t know about your separation, like you said, it’s none of my business, but it reminded me of the adversity i’ve experienced in my love life recently. I don’t think you knew that I proposed to G over the summer in Ptown while we were on vacation, on our third anniversary, right on the water and I thought it couldn’t have been more perfect. I presented her with the ring I searched far and wide for, matching it up exactly with her likes and personality. I reiterated and emphasized my love, reassured her i would be her partner, teammate and #1 fan forever, and asked her to marry me. She said no, I’m not happy and took the car and left me stranded with the dog about 450 miles away from home.
    I had plans. I wanted a family, but not just any family. I wanted….Her and I, and our child. But she had other plans, and it didn’t match mine, so she bounced.
    After 8 months of healing, I am now dating someone new, and looking forward to finding love again.

    You and monica are so blessed. Love is not perfect, and it is doesn’t come easy. Every relationship takes work, and so sit back and enjoy the ride. Keep up the blog, i’m really enjoying catching up with your life. miss ya!

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