The History of Love.

Well look what we have here.  My 2nd blog post.  And less than 24 hours after my 1st blog post.  My daughter is watching The Little Mermaid with Mama.  Which means that I have some time to sit in peace.

This morning I was reading about some of the super fun things you experience after the delivery of your baby.  And then I started thinking about what I wrote last night.  About how infertility can really put your marriage through the ringer. But there are a SHIT TON of things that puts your marriage through the ringer.  I hated being pregnant.  IMG_4009But I was still in awe of the fact that I was making a human.  I couldn’t even come close to dealing with how much the smell of Monica made me gag.  Like, literally gag.  But yet I was more in love with her than ever.  Hormones are no joke.  So pregnancy can put strain on a marriage.  Then you have the baby and you’re all like “OMG, I just had a fucking baby!”. IMG_4124 I was high on life the first 5 to 6 day after I had Finn.  Ok, I was actually high on pain medication too.  And the hormones make you so in love.  WITH EVERYTHING!  And then that makes you cry like a little bitch every 5 seconds.  It is just so beyond overwhelming.  THEN you get the hormone crash (as if they weren’t crashing before)….THAT makes you cry every 3 seconds.  So basically you have this new little person that you have to feed, change, keep alive….while you’re sobbing almost 24/7.  Neat.  If you think I’m being dramatic you can look up the statistics.  The “baby blues” are real, folks.  And a ridiculous percentage of women suffer from them.  But they go away (well, mostly).  Around 2 weeks postpartum you get a grip on your life (kinda).  You venture out of the house.  You take your new baby for a walk outside.  P1010315Maybe you go out to eat.  You think to yourself “I got this shit”.  You don’t.  I’m sorry…but you don’t.  I’m sure there are a very few people who just fall into a natural parenting rhythm.  But if you ask someone how the 1st 3 months of parenting went and they say something along the lines of “It’s so awesome”….they are most likely lying to your face.  Honestly, the first 6 or so month of our daughters life is pretty much a blur.  The exhaustion is something you can’t prepare for.  P1000095You’ll look back on your college years and think you’re ready for an alllllll nighter of parenting because you pulled all nighters multiple times a week when you were 21.  Um, no.  I’m just warning you.  The first 6 months to a year of being a parent will test your marriage in ways you can’t even prepare for.  No one really talks much about that.  Maybe it’s because they don’t want to scare you.  Or maybe they just don’t want you to think their marriage isn’t perfect.  Even if you DO have a perfect marriage…everything about your marriage/relationship will change.  It just will.  It’s not a bad thing.

Monica and I have realized that we are almost completely opposite…in every way.  And ya know what…we are fine with that.  We are still best friends.  We’ve been best friends for a really long time.  We were best friends even when we were separated.  I’m reading The History of Love.  I read this last night…

“When I’d come in, she’d call me into her bedroom, take me in her arms, and cover me with kisses.  She’d stroke my hair and say, “I love you so much,” and when I sneezed she’d say, “Bless you, you know how much I love you, don’t you?” and when I got up for a tissue she’d say, “Let me get it for you I love you so much,” and when I looked for a pen to do my homework she’d say, “Use mine, anything for you,” and when I had an itch on my leg she’d say, “Is this the spot, let me hug you,” and when I said I was going up to my room she’d call after me, “What can I do for you I love you so much,” and I always wanted to say, but never said; Love me less.”

That is me and Monica in a nutshell.  I know, I know…I’m a heartless bitch.  Whatever.  I’m not.  I don’t actually want her to love me less.  It’s just that if it were up to Monica she would tell me all the time about how much her love for me exists.  I’m the opposite.  I’m all like…I totally love you but I told you that awhile ago…I’ll let you know if that changes.  I just show my love in other ways.  I show her by cooking food that she likes.  And by snuggling with her on the couch even though I REALLY like my couch space.  And sometimes…SOMETIMES…I get all lovey dovey and tell her sweet things because I know she needs to hear it.  And sometimes…SOMETIMES…she refrains from telling me how overwhelmed with love she is for me because she knows I need the silence.

Marriage isn’t all about love.  I’ve been lucky…I’ve had a lot of love in my life.  It doesn’t mean that I would have married all of the people I loved.  For me, marriage is about all the other stuff.  It’s about all of the stuff that goes into building a life with someone.  Monica and I made the choice to build a life together.  So even when we aren’t feeling the love…the life that we built when that love was at an all time high…is enough to get us through.

So basically what I’m saying is that marriage can be a bitch.  There are days, weeks, months…even years that can go by and you wonder how on earth you’ll ever stay married.  Sometimes you just have to make a choice.  You have to say to yourself “today is NOT the day that I’m giving up on my marriage”.  And you must have faith that the person you picked to build a life will say that to themselves too.jguguj-3


7 thoughts on “The History of Love.

  1. I love how raw you are. And ummm… Are we the same person? I swear I could have wrote this verbatim. Ali and I have a very similar relationship to you and Monica. We are total opposite but go together so well. It’s like oil and vinegar(I would obv. be the sour vinegar) complete opposites, but it taste so good together on a salad. After having York, and him being such a difficult and demanding baby, our relationship suffered. But like you said, if you make a conscious decision to work at it and not give up, the reward is priceless! Thanks for posting! I’m loving this… You may even inspire me to do the same. I have started a few in the past but always get bored with it and stop posting. Oh well.

    • I think part of the reason I put off writing a blog for so long is because I was afraid to be so raw. I didn’t want people to judge or whatever. It took losing friends and knowing people talked shit about me behind my back (in regards to moni and I separating) for me to realize that I really didn’t give a rats ass if people thought I was a shitty person/wife/mom. I’m just way too old to worried about whether or not someone likes me. Ha.

  2. love the complete honesty and it’s very nice to know I’m not only one who has thought these things in love, the TTC journey and journey of marriage

  3. I’m literally in tears over here. Like Courtney I swear I could have written this verbatim. Today is one of those days that I feel like I have to decide on giving up on my marriage or not. Marriage is not for the faint of heart.

  4. We only know of eachother from the other site, but I love how you don’t sugar coat anything. I’m in the place you used to be. Where I’m worried about what everyone will say or what they think about me. I’ve longed to get into shape, but haven’t had the motivation. The marriage issue is 100% spot on. I know I’m late posting on this entry , but i have something important to say. Please keep blogging. You’ve inspired me!!!

    • Wanting approval from everyone is a hard thing to let go of. When Monica and I were separated for a brief time it was easy to see how judgmental my friends were. It was then that I accepted the fact that you truly are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Someone will always have a probably with what you’re doing. I honestly don’t give a shit about what people think about me. I wish people had the balls to say stuff to my face. It would be easier than to get rid of those particular “friends”. I know that I’m a good person. I know that I’m a great mom. I’m a good wife (mostly!). I don’t live my life perfectly, 100% of the time. But it’s my life. If I’m ok with that….then everyone else should be ok with that too. Hang in there!

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