NOT in the 10%.

Not pregnant. So that 10% chance that they gave me did not work in our favor. I fell into the 90%. Of course. I would guess that you all know that by now. But this is me telling the “world”. I’m sad. Really sad. I feel like I let my family down. It feels like I failed. I know it won’t always feel that way. And believe me…I’m hoping that day comes sooner rather than later. Monica and I still haven’t talked about it too much. We found out while she was in NYC for the PSU bowl game. I met her the following day. But she was busy with work. Lots going on. Not a whole lot of time to process it together. It’s really hard to wrap my head around the fact that our trying to conceive journey is over. Yes, I know it doesn’t HAVE to be. But we are making that choice. For a whole lot of reasons. It makes me cry when I think about it being over. But trust and believe I’d be crying if we kept going too. One of the hardest things is how Finn reacted to the news. We’ve never sugar-coated hard things for her. She’s 4…doesn’t mean she’s dumb. When her GG died, we told her. When we had to put Loki to sleep, we told her. When she had to have surgery and it was going to suck ass, we told her. She knew we were trying to make her a brother or a sister. Finn is obsessed with babies. She talked about having a brother or sister almost every single mother f’n day since she could talk. So, we told her that mommy wasn’t going to have a baby in her belly. That she was NOT going to be a big sister. She broke down like I’ve never seen her break down before. Lots of “why not?”. Lots of “please mommy”. Lots of “can’t you ask Baka to help”. That didn’t just happen one time. It’s happened about 4 or 5 times. And it made me wanna puke each time I couldn’t tell her that I would try to fix it. I honestly don’t know what else to say about any of it. We aren’t going to have another baby. That’s it.

The silver lining (that has always been there) is that Finn has donor siblings. It’s not even close to the same thing as me actually pushing out a baby, or us adopting a baby…but it is something. Some people have issues with us calling them her donor siblings. But, that’s what they are. She has met one of them (there are 6 of them) and it was a phenomenal experience. Genetics are a funny thing. They have the same feet. And they play with their ears. They have very similar voices and cries. They make some of the same faces. So while Finn won’t have a brother or a sister that she grows up with under the same roof…she does have 6 other little humans that she shares a really remarkable connection with. I feel so blessed to be able to offer that to her. A lot of times people ask us what we will tell her when she gets older? Ummmm…we’ll tell her what we tell her right now. That she has 2 mommies,1 donor, and 6 donor siblings. She will usually say “what’s a donor sibling?” And we remind her that they all share the same donor. It’s really not a big deal. She might never meet some of them. Some of them might not want to be connected once they get older. All of that is fine. But for now, she has them. We have them.

So this blog will obviously take a different turn at this point (like I have a MILLION entries or something!). 😉 I won’t be posting about trying to get pregnant. I am going to continue to blog though. In fact, I hope that I can do it more now that I’m out of the fog on infertility. Some of you will hate the shit that I blog about. And I’ll be honest with you right now…it’s probably going to have a lot to do with health/wellness/working out/etc. Know why? Cause I gotta get my ass in gear. I posted a little bit about this in my first blog. But then we started trying to get pregnant again so I got side tracked. But, I want to get healthy. I NEED to get healthy for Finn. I’ve always had a somewhat irrational fear of her having to grow up without me (most of that is probably because I had an irrational fear of dying during childbirth). I just want to be as healthy as possible. So I can take care of her. So I can play with her for hours. So I can be a good example. The list of reasons why is actually pretty endless. I feel like this is where I have to put in a disclaimer of sorts. This isn’t about size for me. It’s not about weight loss from a vanity standpoint. Do I believe that people can be overweight and healthy? Sure. Just like skinny people can be terribly out of shape! But I am not healthy at this point (and for the record, I’m actually not THAT overweight). I’m not just saying that based on how I feel. I had blood work today that tells me that over the last 3 years things have gone downhill. I can tell you that going through fertility treatments is largely to blame for any weight gain I’ve had. I’m sure going through all that is also to blame for some of the numbers I received today for various tests. Stress is a mother fucker. Add in hormones, feeling like crap, a little depression, a dash of anxiety…and you got yourself a big ole pile of shit.

I might post updates. I might post workouts. I might post about meal prep. I have hired a nutritionist/coach/trainer for 6 months…I ain’t playin’ around. I am so serious about getting myself healthy. I know people get annoyed when people post about this shit. But here’s the thing…I kinda HAVE to post about it. I have to make this my life. Not my whole life. But a big part of it. Because I want to succeed. This is important to me. YOU don’t have to be on board. YOU don’t even have to like it. It is what it is (GOSH, I hate when people say that). But just so you know I might post funny stuff about Monica so I wouldn’t block my ass entirely. Oh, and don’t forget about all the hippie dippie stuff I might post. I know you’re DYING to know how to make all natural toilet bowl cleaner! 😉

-C

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