I’ve been thinking about marriage a lot lately. Maybe because Moni and I just celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary. Maybe because I’ve read 3948958493 elephant journal articles about marriage. I don’t know. What I do know is that marriage is hard. Well, my marriage has been hard. I know I know…who fucking says that about their own marriage?! I’m saying it. I should say right now that just because it’s been hard doesn’t mean I would do anything any different. One thing has remained 100% constant since I’ve known Moni (and that’s been for about 17 years). And that is that I genuinely like her. I believe that she is good. Beyond good. She is a remarkable human being. Truly. Our marriage hasn’t been hard because of lack of love. Or lack of like. Our marriage has been hard because there have been a lot of really fucking big ups and downs. It’s been from one extreme to the other. Even in a perfect marriage…storms like that are hard to sail. For those of you that are judging me right now you can go sit on a stick. Everyone thinks their marriage is perfect until it isn’t. Everyone thinks they found their “soulmate” until that soul mate finds another soul mate and is all like “it’s not you, it’s me”. I’ll tell you this…I don’t believe in soul mates. GASP!!!! I’m sorry. I just don’t buy into “The ONE”. And thank goddess I don’t. Know why? Because if I did, a couple of years ago when Moni and I were grasping at straws to try to save our marriage I would have been asking myself “Well, maybe she isn’t my soul mate”. I’ve had a lot of soul mates. I’ve been with people who have left lasting marks on my life. People that I still love very deeply. But I made vows to Monica. I was thinking about those vows today because I was wondering if I was sticking to them. Some of them I wrote myself. Some of them I think I took from various wedding blogs, forums, etc. I wrote my vows in advance. I made multiple copies. Obviously. I wasn’t stressing AT ALL the night before our wedding. Moni waited till the last possible minute to write hers. In fact there is a picture of her kinda freaking out about it. Some women might take that personally. I didn’t. I thought I’d share them here.
My vows to Moni…..
I love you. And when I tell you I love you, this is what I mean:
- You are whom I’ve been waiting for. You have brought me more peace and steadiness than I have ever known.
- I offer you my history, with it’s pride and regret;
- My future, walking with you wherever we go;
- This present moment, which explodes with more joy than a moment should be able to hold.
- Everything within me, from the most analytical thoughts (you know I love a good pro/con list), to the Goosebumps and butterflies, tells me that it is right to commit my life to building a life with you.
- I promise to ride on the back of your harley even after I get my own, because I know you like having me back there.
- I promise to love who you are rather than who I imagine you to be, and I promise to present myself honestly and openly to you.
- I promise to support you when your strength is challenged and to ask for your help in my weakness.
- I promise to leave notes in your lunchbox, even when we’re as old as our parents.
- I promise to hold you while you cry, and to cry while you hold me.
- I promise to laugh with you so hard that our bellies hurt
- I promise to take you seriously when seriousness is called for.
- I promise to rap old skool salt & peppa songs and the occasional Mary J. Blige song.
- I promise to rest with you, and to seek balance between work and play.
- I promise to care for you as best I can, and to encourage you to stretch and grow and care for yourself.
- I promise to go to sushi restaurants with you, even if the only thing I like on the menu is rice.
- I promise to listen to you, and to respect and consider your thoughts and beliefs.
- I promise you nothing less than the rest of my life. You make my joys greater and my sorrows more bearable, and you make my spirit feel known.
- I promise to buy you flannel shirts even if when they go back out of style, because I know how you love a good flannel.
- You are the best friend I’ve ever had. And the love I feel for you isn’t even measurable.
- So today in front of our family and friends I take you as my wife. And I will continue to make promises to you while wrinkles form on our faces and all the strands of our hair turn white.
And Monis vows to me…
Carrie….I stand before you with some short and sweet (like me) words to express my love and commitment to you in the presence of our family and friends.
I like you. I like you because you are a good person to like.
I like-I love your spirit, your contagious laugh and the way you make me feel. I don’t always say the perfect things sometimes, but still you see beyond the silliness and the goofus from the roofus. You make my cup and my heart runneth over.
I give you the best of myself and ask of you no more than you can give to me. I respect you as your own person and realize that your interests, desires and needs are no less important than my own. I promise to have enough room in our closet for ALL of your shoes! I will continue to keep myself open to you to let you see through the window of my world, into my innermost fears and feelings, secrets and dreams. I’m so excited to grow with you, to be willing to face changes in order to keep our relationship alive and spicy! Loki and I will strive to make room for you in OUR bed.
What I’m giving you today is timeless. It has no past, present or future, but is and will always be just now and forever. Life is meant to be an ever-evolving moment in time and I intend to spend that moment eternally with you. This is not to say I’ll always be on time but you know what I mean.
Baby, I love you in good times and bad, with all I have to give and all I feel inside in the only way I know how…simply, completely and forever!!!
I wish I would have went back to read those vows when things were really hard. It’s difficult to remember why you picked someone when the shit is hitting the fan. What’s interesting about my relationship with Monica, is that when it was a mother f’n nightmare, I still wanted to be around her. It’s so cheesy, but to steal from greys anatomy….she is my person. I remember being sick years ago. And by years ago, I mean 13 or so years ago. I had just had surgery (I don’t even remember what surgery it was.), and I got ridiculously sick days after. My mom rushed me to the ER and it was just a hot mess. Some of my friends ended up coming to the ER to see me but of course they wouldn’t let them all back. So my mom was back in the room with me and they were about to put an IV in and the nurse said a couple of my friends could come back. This would be a good time to say that I was vomiting and shitting all over the place. It was not cute. I told my mom to get Monica. She’s always been a comfortable place for me. And yes, there is more to marriage then it being a comfortable place. But let me tell you…when every part of your life is flying in the air…you’ll want a soft place to land. Don’t look for a soul mate. Look for someone who can rub your back when you’re nauseated without you feeling like you wanna throat punch them. Look for someone who makes you feel safe when there’s a hurricane coming. Be with someone who believes in soul mates but doesn’t give a rats ass if you do. Marry someone like Monica.